Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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