She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
