I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
