when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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