My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
