Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
