Are u religion class? I'm on my way, I have cum in my hair. tell u later.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
