i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
Am I just high or is she having an auction for her vagina on Twitter
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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