I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Randomize
