The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
I feel like a drive thru vagina
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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