Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
