Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
Randomize
