Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
