This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Is it bad that everytime I read or hear "Woo Hoo" I immediately think of sex because of The Sims?
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
