anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Your the only person I know that needed stiches after a Monday morning conference call. How are you in your 20s? How
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
