OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Randomize
