Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
