So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
