we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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