I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
false alarm. still invincible.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
