Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What does "mood AF" mean?
Mood as fuck.
Why did you comment that on a video of a gorilla throwing its own shit?
Randomize
