I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
