he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
