My sheets look like a crime scene.
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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