oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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