No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
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