my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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