I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
