Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
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