Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
She kept chasing him yelling thief, because he drank some of her drink. That was at 8, it got worse.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I want to start a guest book for my bed room so when dudes leave they can write a review
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
