Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
