well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
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