Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
My ass is underappreciated
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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