I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
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