I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
