I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
