I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
