That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
does 2pm fall under the wake n bake category?
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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