Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
