dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
