Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
last night I used snow as a chaser
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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