I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
Randomize
