I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
Randomize
