I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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