ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
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