Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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