and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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