Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Quick, to the slutcave!
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
