do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
A friendship for the ages born on how horny we both are
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