I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Randomize
